Lilies For You

"Love before we burn out"

It wasn't that I couldn't let go of him.

The demons in my heart were the ones that didn't want leave him behind.

When I walk into his room I would steal a glance at the bed we once hid under. His brother would count from one to ten - those were the times when we would giggle until the blanket is lifted and his brother shouted at us.

' Found you! '

His brother, Kane, would have shouted with innocence.

Those words rang in our heart and mind but their true meaning never truly registered. However, everything became clear when we looked at each other. Why? Simply because in this life we have found each other.

He would pluck me the lilies in his mother garden and I would steal the brownies from my mother's oven for him. It was an exchange and in between all these transactions he got my heart and I got his- we became best friends.

Every day without fail since we were seven if he did not manage to grab me a lily he would run over with his idiotic grin and weirdly gelled hair. When the grandfather clock struck 12.00 P.M, he would engulf me in a hug. All because of that stupid promise he made to me during Christmas when I cried that I wanted white lilies but there were none.

When he was sick.

When the typhoon hit.

When his father was in the hospital.

He was there holding me with a small smile, smelling like he jumped into a dirty pond and crawled back out- without fail he would be there for me. That was until that winter where the lilies once again withered.

His body fell on the floor with a ' thud '. Those bright green eyes shone so bright with fear not for himself but for me. The blood pooled on the floor soaking his favorite white shirt- his lucky shirt. His knees gave way and the light left him. His life was gone and all I could do was watch as the snow fell.

The monster holding the weapon glanced at the clock on the wall that struck 12.00 P.M and told me with a sickening smile. 

'Merry Christmas, Star .'

--

" Stop staring at it like he would jump out from it. "

The voice startled me as I turned around and stared at the carbon copy of him, the same bright green eyes and tall frame with a lopsided smile. I blinked once, then again, just to make sure but it wasn't him.

It will never be him.

"I can't believe your parents haven't thrown this old thing away " I gestured at the bed that we used to hide in. " I bet it still makes that weird noise when someone sits on it. " I smiled at Kane and walked out of the room before my mask slipped.

" My parents can't move on " He paused as I quickened my pace knowing what he was going to say but unable to stand hearing those words. After all these years I am still a coward. If he was here he would be shaking his head at me with a frown.  " Just like you. "

I took in a deep breath and stopped walking before turning around and pointing a hard glare at Kane.

"Kane, I am sorry that I haven't been back but I have my reasons and that is not because I am still afraid." Lies, but Kane didn't need to know- no one needed to know the truth of what happened that day when the first snow fell.

I would bring it to my grave if I have to- no one needed to know I saw the moment his soul left him or that he died painfully with a strangled half moan and scream. 

That demon was mine and I won't torture anyone else with it.

It was my punishment and I embrace it.

"You know, I can see through your lies - why are you still lying after all these years? " Kane asked, his eyes gleaming with frustration and sadness.

I merely shook my head and walked away for I didn't have an answer.

Perhaps it was because that was the only way I could continue to live on to suffer and torture myself with lies. 

I moved on.

I no longer remembered him.

I loved him but I don't love him.

These are the truth.

lies.

--

Christmas Eve had always been the same in the Reinhart household- it was a huge gathering of relatives, neighbor or even strangers but ever since 5 years ago the Patersons never joined us.

The family of five including Kade would visit his grave and go through his memories together. One year they took out this large box from his room that had been left untouched - rummaged it and found the sticker book we collected together when we were kids.

I couldn't contained the tears, broke down and never showed up at the gathering again.

I traded the gathering for entertaining my parents' guest at the party but when the clock struck 12.00, be it midnight or afternoon, I would hide in my room and curl up into a fetal position to rock myself, willing myself to believe that this year would be different.

' Hey '

It was a hallucination.

' Star '

He wasn't real.

' Won't even look at your best friend huh?'

I looked up with tears swimming in my eyes and saw him- he was wearing the same clothes he did that day, his hair styled in the same manner and his eyes that I loved twinkled with bright mischievous - just the same. His smile was still in place as he looked at me with love.

I didn't deserve it.

'You should stop, Star. This ' He pointed between us and said with that playful tone 'is not healthy '. One of his hands was in his pocket as I heard the clock tick. 'I love you don't forget that.'

He glanced at the clock and his smile turned sad.

11.58.

'Do you know I hate it when you hide yourself in the room?'

11.59.

'You hermit like some monk'

I muffled a strangled laugh as tears ran down my cheeks. He closed his eyes, his smile never leaving those pale pink lips as he whispered those words I have heard more than once but never listened.

'Don't look '

12.00.

Once again the scene played out in my head - the gun shot sound, his bright green eyes, that plain white shirt that smelled of him all the damn time and the broken smile.

This time I screamed.

I didn't want to see it or remember it. All I wanted to do was lie next to him even if his body is cold or the fact that there was blood on him. If he was no longer in this world, I wanted to chase after him be like the wind seeping into every corner of the world or be a real star and roam the universe, crashing down on the world and dissipating into nothing but a shower of fire.

This time, I ran to shower even if it was winter. The cold didn't matter.

I heard the banging of the door.

Kane's voice- shouting about something.

My parents sounding nervous.

I didn't care because I missed him and I wanted to see him bring lilies to me once again.  My vision turned blank, black dots appeared at the shower mirror. It shattered into a million pieces on the floor.

I could see blood.

It wasn't mine. Or was it?

It didn't matter anymore. Not now, not ever.

--

"I can't believe this "

Cold water splashed onto me and I jumped up from my lying position, instinctively noticing that the bed I was lying in wasn't mine. It was his. The moment I realized that, I jumped off and stared at the bed in fright.

" sweetie " My mother's face was red and her eyes swollen while her actions were cautious as if I was a wild animal and any slight movement would have scared me. My father was standing next to her holding her as if providing support. His parents stood at the other corner, eyes worried, wary and scared. Kane stood glaring at me once again with frustration.

"Mum, dad , Aunt May, Paul,  Kane " I addressed each of them carefully, making sure I don't pause. I took a glance at my wrist and saw bandages wrapped around my hand from my arm to the tip of my fingers. 

" I am fine " I took in a breath.

"It was just a mild panic attack and I assure you that it won't happ-" before I could finish the sentence Kane walked over to me and slapped my left cheek. My face whipped to the left, gasps were heard in the room.  

 " You are an idiot " Kane whispered as his hands clenched into fists.

Before I could process what was going on he dragged me by the wrist- my left hand that was left unharmed and pulled me to sit at his desk, grabbed the laptop and pushed it open before clicking onto a file.

"No one figured out his password but I did " Kane glared at me and I saw the pain and tears swimming in his eyes. "It was STAR1200 ".

"watch this." with those words I saw a dream play across his screen and  that his screensaver was still that picture I hated so much- of the beach and us screaming like we were aged 4 even though we were 16 at the time.

One year before he died and everything went up to flames.

"Urm Hi" It had been 4 years since I last saw a video or even a picture of him but he was still just as I remembered. I wanted to turn away to look at something else to make sure my mask didn't fall off but I did not.

I couldn't bring myself to look away.

"This is awkward, know that I am enduring this for you, Star " His eyes on the screen shifted left and right, a nervous habit. " I never knew being recorded was so nerve wrecking " He frowned "Okay I am recording myself not being recorded."

I heard Paul sniffling with a small laughter.

"Star erm hi or wait I should stop saying hi. "  He scratched his head, then took up his acoustic guitar and grinned into the screen. "So I know you are a depressing soul and all unlike me." He paused as if to bask in his ego and at the corner of my eyes I saw Kane roll his eyes.

"Okay joking, but here is your favorite song " He coughed to clear his throat and than his voice resounded through the room with the song Konstantine.

'Spin around me like a dream '

'We played out on this movie screen '

'And I said'

'Did you know I miss you'

As the song came to an end I had tears rolling down from my eyes- gods I am so sick of these tears but my smile matched the one he was wearing on the screen.

" I did tell you that my Christmas present this year will beat yours right? " He chuckled to himself. "Now, run towards our hideout and find the ultimate gift" He fidgeted and looked nervous but that smile didn't falter- in his eyes hope was swimming , deep and well.

" This year will be different- I promise. "

Without waiting for anyone, I sprinted out of the room and before long I reached our tree house.

Our fathers built it for us when we were 10, and it was our little hideout. We played hide and seek, family, cooking and even sand castle in that place but we stopped hanging out in the three house when we hit puberty. 

It was too embarrassing, thus no one ever came up here anymore.

Since his death this place had been forgotten, abandoned and laid idle at the back of our houses.

The tree house didn't change and before I could find his ' gift ' there was a white cloth sprinkled with blue glitter hanging on the wooden makeshift wall right in front of me. 

'Pull it'

Unconsciously I inched towards the cloth and pulled it.

He had always been on the creative side - the drums, guitar and piano - he could play all the instruments with ease. The most amazing part was that he could draw and paint like no other. At times I wondered if he was a painter in his previous life.

When I joked with him about it, he would shrug and start tickling me before we tumbled onto the grass laughing and squealing.

Idiots- that's what our parents called us.

My eyes couldn't leave the wall- it was painted.

A painted picture of a tree with million of branches and at the end of each branch there were pictures of us. Sharing an ice cream when we were six, sitting on the swings but accidentally falling on the sand beneath us when we were seven and a picture of us on his bike with his bright smile and opened mouth.

I giggled at the memories- he was such a cheeseball.

At the top of the silver painted tree, there was a bright yellow painted star with an arrow painted on it followed by a sentence. 

I didn't want to comprehend it at all.

" Lily Reinhart, I think I love you so would you be my girlfriend " Kane who was standing behind me read it like a statement but it was painted with a question mark. 

" I would bring you lilies during spring and when I can't I would give you a hug everyday without fail sharp at 12.00. " Kane's voice cracked but he didn't stop and continued. 

" Give me a shot, Star, before we burn out " Kane words ended in a whisper as I choked on my tears.

For the first time in 4 years since Kade died I lost myself completely to my emotions. I was crying, screaming, shouting and kicking as Kane held on to me whispering soothing words with a voice that sounded so much like Kade.

"Yes, you idiot." I whispered and stared at the tree he painted. With a firmer voice, I repeated.

" Yes "

" That day the stalker was there  holding me down," I paused and choked again " I was fighting so hard when Kade walked in. " Saying his name sounded weird as I have not uttered the syllables for four years. " He was such an idiot "

"He was murdered right in front of me. " I continued, my eyes were blurry and the warmth of Kade's back as he carried me down didn't help in the least but I continued.

I knew today my demons were to be revealed.

These people who Kade loved deserved to know- his parents were crying as the words tumbled out from my mouth. Incoherent and fragmented sentence but they understood or perhaps it was the emotion behind it.

" He died painfully " It was difficult to talk while crying but I couldn't stop. " I saw his eyes dim, the blood flowing from his head like a waterfall and he made this sound " I paused to contained a sob. " this strangled sound that sounded like he was suffering."

"It's my fault, I am sorry I am-" Aunt May engulfed me in a hug and cried onto my shoulder.

"Lily my son loved you, he died as your hero- he must have been happy I am sure." 

" Gosh a blind man could see how in love he was with you girl " Paul added with a forced smile, eyes glistening with tears but I could see the relieve in it. " That boy couldn't keep a secret to save his own life."

I could not say that I am okay or it will be alright in the future.

All I know is that today is the last day that I would shiver in fear as the clock strikes 12.00.

Perhaps when I feel better I would go see a therapist.

As time passed and I have a firmer hold on heart and soul,  I would return to this tree house and laugh at all the stupid pictures he pasted on the wall. While imagining his expression as he wrote that line, he probably cringed.

I laughed like I haven't before as my parents stared at me weirdly but Kane laughed along with me and soon everyone joined. No one know what we were laughing at or if there was a reason to laugh but Kade didn't leave us sad things in fact he left us beautiful memories of his moronic self.

"Merry Christmas, Kade and I love you too." 

I felt a fleeting presence in front of me as his features flashed across my eyes and I heard the wind whispering in my ears. In the middle of winter, a miracle occurred as a lily bloomed on a patch of land where snow surrounded it.

"Lilies for you."

--

Sylvia's Sprint

Running was never an option, at least not for me. It is an act of turning your back on aims and people who depend on you; worst of all, it is an act of betraying yourself. Running was a conscious thought of surrender, the passiveness of ignorance.

I wish I could have said the same for Sylvia. Whether it was just for the thrill of it, or for escape, my sister loved running. With the churning of air beneath the soles of her feet, giggles likened to the sound of merry bells over Christmas, and the cold blast of wind beating against her wild auburn red hair, she was an absolute delight to everyone who knew her around town.

She also, however, loved running when the situation demanded her presence. When breaking a valuable marble vase in our home, she would run, quick as the wind itself, leaving me behind to take the fault for the mess of things. Often, I took the brunt of her accidental mistakes. It wasn't hard to pin it on me either. I was clumsy, stubborn, sharp-tongued, and bitter.

I wasn't always so bitter. I was once as carefree as Sylvia, free as a bird would be. But everything changed when the jewel mine in our town was claimed under the name of the King himself. Suddenly, a lot of families lost their main source of income and instead had to depend on secondary sources like farming or planting crops. Our soil wasn't even the most fertile available in the kingdom. Soon enough, we would all be plunged into poverty and utter misery.

It also didn't help that Rory betrayed me and joined the King's forces instead after dad passed on to the afterlife.

As if that wasn't quite enough. Rory joined the fleet of soldiers that was deployed to eradicate our township once and for all. Men toughened up, women learned quicker through the art of healing, potions, and the essence of magic that lied benign in our blood unless awakened. The air grew heavier, and so did many of our hearts. One day, I trudged out our doorstep to realize that everyone was just like me. Bitter, cold, miserable.

Everyone except for Sylvia.

As the cold winter nights came, so did the day of imminent war draw ever closer. Some cried, some prayed, some trained, and some others simply steeled themselves for what was to come. The last night before the war was to commence, the King's forces already having stationed themselves visibly about a mile from the town's gates, I took a visit to the walls to hear the none too familiar lyrical sound of my sister's laughter.

That night, everyone who had eyes stared at the petite young woman, remarkable in her beautiful smile, and wondrous as to her curious mirth. Those who had ears listened.

Dawn broke, and it was an all-out war. Everywhere I looked, people were dying. Dark red blood splattered across the earth, across clothes, armor, and faces. My face. For a few panicked seconds, I very literally saw red.

I willed my feet to run. Please run. But I was petrified. I couldn't move an inch. Through the clearing red of my vision, I saw a big, burly man equipped with a terrifyingly large axe coming towards me with a war cry.

I urged my energy to manifest itself in the form of magic. I pushed, failed, and tried again. But there was no time. My heart palpitated hard in my chest. Soon, my blood would be shed. Why can't I run?

My vision cleared. In a split second, when all my senses began to fail me and the world started to become a blur, I heard the light, agile footsteps that fall in a pattern so utterly familiar to me that my attention snapped towards it. Red auburn hair, thin limbs, the swipe of a blade.

I couldn't run, but my sister always could. Today, Sylvia ran to save my life.

The man stumbled backwards, having had a cut delivered swiftly across his face. The axe in his hand fell to the thinly blanketed snowy ground with a soft thud. I gazed at her, lost in surprise and relief for a moment.

In the next heartbeat, a sword cut right through her ribs and emerged on the other side of her body. I felt the color fall from my face as surely as my heart fell deep in the recesses of my being. I glanced at the perpetrator.

Rory.

I screamed. Devastated, wild, unforgiving fury.

The earth shook, but people did not stop fighting. Rory stumbled and tripped over Sylvia, who laid shaking on the floor. I felt energy building up inside my core, inside my heart barely held together by pure fury. Coils of strength intermingling and pushing outward, against my skin, begging for release.

I was told always to keep it in. Conceal. Live and let go.

How could I, mom? Sylvia is lost to us now. Laughter was truly gone. Running was not always a bad thing, but I've learned that lesson much too late.

Rory stood his ground and took a determined swipe at me. On his face was a look of apathy unlike any other. I couldn't believe this man once took my heart in his filthy hands, and I willingly let him.

"I had no other choice." Rory explained. Brief, unfeeling, merciless.

My turbulent emotions surged.

"Goodbye Rory." I widened my stance, and with both fists, hammered down on the earth. The snow shook as the earth seemed to cut itself open in lines only where the enemy stood. More screaming - people seemed to particularly enjoy following in my footsteps.

Each and every one of the enemy was caught between the earth, suffocating and begging for air. Some even had too much pride to beg. I noticed the King had only sent a small fleet of soldiers, they had not even backup in case the mission failed.

He underestimated us.

I pulled my fists up into the air and clenched them tighter. All around town, you could hear bones breaking in many sickening tones. With each pained yelling that decorated the air, the worst I felt for taking another life. But then I look at my sister, and suddenly it felt as if there weren't enough soldiers' life to pay for her death here in today's war.

Rory was the last to go. I took intense pleasure at watching his skull burst into a thousand pieces. I wiped off his blood that sprayed across my tunic with the cloth that I yanked from his broken body. I threw it back at his corpse, or what remained of it as my mother ran towards me, enveloping me in a warm embrace that coaxed tears to my eyes. The remaining townspeople only looked at me, transfixed.

Sylvia was gone. I held onto my mother's forearm for balance. My knees were about to give out.

Now mom was all I had left.

Next, I had to get to the King personally.

The question is, in which direction do I run?